Dare to Self Improve

So know, we’ve pretty much got the head covered….good smile, good eye contact, and walking around with your head up.

But what about those damn hands? Too often, people walk around with their hands in their pockets. This body language makes you less approachable because it sort of closes you off to others around you.

What you want to do to be more approachable, is keep your hands visible and moving freely at your sides. Hooking you thumbs in your pockets is also ok. All of a sudden, you are now giving off an open, more confident vibe! Feel free in coversation to “talk with your hands” but just make sure you’re not over the top!

Talking with your hands isn’t something you should “try” to do, otherwise it will look awkward. But, if you free them from the confines of your pockets, they’ll probably naturally spring to action. People you use their hands moderatlely in conversation appear more friendly and subconciously make others feel more comfortable.

Watch Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond eyes. That charming gaze he always gives. One little gaze and you think “Wow, this guys charming, inviting, and someone who would be interesting to talk to.” It almost has an element of knowing-micheivousness.

What is so special about what he does with his eyes? First, notice that his eyes aren’t very shifty. Each look is purposeful. Shifty eyes signal nervousness and make people feel uneasy around you. Also, notice he looks very relaxed. He’s never staring or looking too hard.

So, when you make eye contact with people, try to be relaxed, and CONFIDENTLY hold your eye contact while giving a slight smile. Make sure you smile with your eyes! That is the difference between and genuine smile, and a fake, smile only-with-mouth smile. The best way I can describe it is a slight eye squint.

They say eyes are the window to the soul. Cliche? Yes. True? Definitely!

Instinctually we ascertain a lot about people based on their eyes when we first meet them. Do there eyes wander a lot? Are they constantly looking away from you. Is their “eye language” incongruent with the rest of their body language? These mini-calculations are subconciously going through our minds during our social interactions, and many times it is the outcome of these micro calculations that gives us a “feeling” about someone.

You know when you meet someone, but for some non-particular reason, you don’t get the best feeling, or they rub you the wrong way? Eye movement is a huge reason.

So we want to be the opposite! In the posts this week, I’ll be getting into the specifics of what positive eye contact is and how to display more of it.

So thus far I’ve outlined a lot of things you can do with your body language to be more approachable. I was about to start writing about how to start conversations and be socially saavy, but I don’t think we’re ready for that yet.

Let’s stay on the topic of Being approachable. So we’re displaying confident body language, and smiling so far. Now it’s time to really use your eyes. Concentrate on making eye contact with people and not immediately looking away!

I still catch myself looking away on occassion…this one is tough! But really focus on holding the eye contact and SMILING! But don’t only smile with your mouth…smile with your eyes! This is very powerful! All of a sudden you go from a random stranger, to someone memorable that the other person may want to talk to!

More on the power of eye contact tomorrow!

As I write these posts to improving yourself socially, one of the things I try to keep in mind is taking baby steps. It would be easy to say, “Just go out and start talking to people!” The problem is, for many people, fear of doing such a thing is almost crippling, hence I’ve tried to break down the process one step at a time.

At some point however, you really do need to do some self-evaluation and ask yourself, “Do I really WANT to change? Am I willing to do whatever it takes? Am I ready to endure a period of discomfort to have the end result?”

You need to convince yourself to say a RESOUNDING “yes” to all of these questions before you proceed to go about changing. If there’s any doubt, then you’re not ready and you’ll likely start the process, then quit when things get difficult or uncomfortable.

So, if you’ve been putting off smiling, or displaying the confidence that I’ve written previously, reevaluate yourself and your goals, and tell yourself to “JUST DO IT!”

Part of BEING confident, is WALKING with confidence. Now that we’ve learned how to stand confidently, it’s time to put in in motion! (pun intended

So without further ado, here are some tips to walking confidently:

1. Hold your head up high. This way, people will not only see your beautiful, welcoming face, but by keeping your chin up, you automatically straighten your back and posture!

2. Keep your hands out of your pockets and let them move naturally at your sides. Don’t hide them away!

3. Walk at a relaxed pace. This is huge. Unconfident people always walk around like they’re in a rush. Slow down and take your time! YOU are the main attraction!

4. Remember to smile! Soon, people will recognize you as that nice guy they see walking around, and will stop and chat YOU up!

So now that you’ve got the smile down, it’s time to work on your body language.

One of the things that makes someone approachable is having confident body language! If you walking around with your shoulders drooped forward, your chest tucked in, head down, and feet close together, no one is going to feel open to talking to you! Furthermore, you won’t be in a position to see anybody else!

Lets suppose you’ve been doing the smiling exercise. That’s the first step, but it’s time to make the rest of your body congruent with your new confident smile! How do we do this?

1. Stand with your back straight. You want to have good posture and appear as tall as possible.

2. Keep your shoulders back and chest out! This is part of good posture and it makes you appear healthy and confident.

3. Keep your eyes and head up! Don’t look down or constantly glance around. Make strong friendly eye contact with passer-by’s.

4. Take your hands out of your pockets. You want to take up space and hold your hands confidently to your sides.

Changing a simple thing like the way you stand, will make people have a whole new positive first impression of you!

Never underestimate the power of a simple smile!

The first step to being a more social person is make yourself MORE APPROACHABLE. You want people to WANT to talk to you. The biggest step you can take to making yourself more approachable is to smile more!

I make a conscious effort to at least smile at everyone I pass. As a result, people come up and start talking to me because of the friendly demeanor that I project. I haven’t said a word, yet I’ve become a more social person! Plus, you can’t help but to feel good when you’re smiling all the time, and people are smiling back!

I challenge you to go out and make a concerted effort to smile more. Look each stranger you pass in the eye, and give them a genuine smile. It will make both of your days better and immediately make you more magnetic towards people.

I think most people would be happy if they could become their “most social self.” I say “most social self” because some people are naturally very introverted so becoming an extremely social person might be painful or uncomfortable for them.

I do firmly believe however that life is more interesting and happier for those who manage to be social and sociable. I’ve known many people who’ve confessed to me that inwardly they envy people who are very sociable, and the type of person people gravitate towards.

For some people, this comes naturally. For others, it requires practice! To be honest, I’m naturally somewhere in the middle, edging towards the sociable end. HOWEVER, I made a concious effort to become more sociable and be an overall super friendly, and outgoing person. The result is that I’ve my life has become so much more interesting and enjoyable!

The coming tasks that we are going to learn and practice are going to be baby steps and converting yourself from where you are now (whatever level of sociability you are right now doesn’t matter…we can all improve at these areas) to becoming your “most social self!”

Tomorrow, we learn the art of SMILING!!!

I am generally a very sociable person. I make friends easily, and am pretty easy going. But, I wasn’t always quite as outgoing as I am now.

Over the years, I noticed that life is so much more fun and interesting when you have lots of awesome people involved! About two years ago, I made a concerted goal to break some social norms and start bringing more and more people into my social world!

Then, once I had a steady flow of people, I could then “cultivate my social garden.” Obviously every person you meet and interact with is not going to be awesome, so you need to sort of filter out those people who do not enrich your life!

Over the next several days, I’ll be posting tips, tricks, and advice on making yourself the type of person that can easily bring great people into your life, and enriching your life one day at a time by being a little more social! It has taken me time and effort to get to where I’m at, and I continue to grow everyday!

Tune in!